Why?

Last week, I had several doctor appointments, and had my regular organ function tests run and some not-so-regular tests. A few results came back, and they weren't good. The first result was from a bone density exam. This usually isn't run on women my age, but I've learned from experience that my body seems to think it is that of an old woman's. I asked to have the test done, and it came back that I am in the beginning stages of Osteoporosis. I'm only 40! The good news is that it can be reversed, and some medication changes are being made to start trying to do just that. Tomorrow (Tuesday), I am going to have a full body Dexa scan at the hospital to confirm the diagnosis.

The second result was from my first '40 and older' mammogram. A suspicious spot-ugh. This was not my first mammogram-approximately 12 years ago, I had a lump, so I had a mammogram then, followed by an ultrasound. It was determined that I had fibrous tissue, not a tumor or cyst. So, I am hoping this is the case again. Tomorrow I will have another mammogram (and possibly ultrasound) while I am at the hospital for the scan.

The results for my other tests have not come back yet, and I don't know if I want them at the rate we are going. In the past 4 days, I have gone back and forth between questioning 'Why? Why me?' and feeling totally secure in God's plan for me. Really, it's not even 'Why me?' , but more 'Why my family, my husband, my kids, my parents?'. I feel worse for them, I feel tired for them, I feel guilty even for putting them through trial after trial. Each surgery I have had, no matter how much pain I have been in, there is nothing worse than seeing that worried/pained look on my loved one's faces. I HATE putting them through this. I want things to go well, and to get good news. I want to be healed. BUT I try to remember that God has a plan for me and my family, and He is in control. Even when it may not seem like it, He is there for me.

To me, there is something far worse than my health problems, and that is when a child is seriously ill. For the past few weeks, I have been following the blog that goes along with the 'Pray for Stellan' picture on the right side of my blog. This precious little baby boy has a very serious heart problem and needs our prayers. I only understand a tiny fraction of what this family is going through, from spending time at the hospital with Nicholas when he was a baby with breathing problems, or during his seizures when he was younger. I cannot imagine anything worse than worrying that your child's life is in jeopardy. Stellan's mother has shown such incredible faith during this time-she has been an inspiration to me, as I'm sure she has to many others. It seems that whenever I am questioning 'Why?' in my own life, I am reminded of how much worse things could be, and how much stronger in my faith I could be. Please pray for Stellan and his family, and for God's will in my life as well.